hm

you’re seeing her tmrw. greeeeeaaaaaaaaaaattttt.

you’ll forget about me soon after. 

ahaha ok that’s life.

gotaa suck it up and live with it.

yay

you don;t actually know how much you mean to me.

but thinking of you makes me sadder.

cant believe im googling 

sad music that make you cry

ok theres something wrong with me

time to go listen to some sad music

i may come across as a strong person. but like, i know im not. 

i try to be- i think i’m quite good at it

but everyone has their breaking point.

feeling ultra lonely today. i just wanna cry and like sob into my bed

did that yesterday though. and the day before and the day before hahaha ok you get it.

sometimes it feels like im facing the whole world alone. like im the only one who gives a damn about myself. and i have to fight for myself. cos no one else will do it for me. cos everyone’s too busy against me. 

i hate all this pretense shit. cant stand it. i should just start being a freaking loner in schooll maybe i’ll feel better being away from you bitches. its not that i hate my friends- ok i hate some of them.

but its like i have a problem. i think i need to learn how to control my anger. ahahhaa. 

i honestly like gossipping and pointing out the bad stuff in people because i just want to make myself feel better.

i want to make myself feel like. 

im a better person.

but i know im not either. maybe im being fake too yknow. like pretending im this happy girl in a bubble and no one can burst me but it’s already been bursted.

ok false analogy. but you get it. 

WHAT YOU MAY SEE ON THE OUTSIDE IS TOTALL DIFFERENT FROM THE INSIDE. 

you know its true love when your reality is finally better than your dreams. 

just casually waiting for that day to happen ahahhaha my prince has just taken a wrong turn. its ok i have the rest of my life to live. 

i found this quote so im going to write it down here and add on. How can i forget you when you’re always on my mind? How can i not want you when you’re all i want inside? How can i move on if i can’t stand to see us apart? How can i stop loving you if you control my heart? I know you’re together with her and you guys have something so special and so rare and she means the world to you and you mean the world to her and you guys are in love and. yeah. i should move on but. how. HOW. being friends with you makes it soooooooooooooooooooooo much harder than it already was- which was why it was a mistake. but mistakes help you learn what’s right. mistakes make you the person you are. mistakes will lead to success. eventually. like all the great scientists- they failed so many times and they tried and tried and tried and finally they got what they wanted. so yeah. that shall be the story of you&me.

Life has took a u-turn for me. Ok, so i still got those dumbass friends but whatever. It seems like you only need a few goood ones to be there for you. You don’t need to be popular. You don’t need to follow/conform to society. So i choose to believe life is getting better and it willl continue to get better because i am in control of my own destiny;fate;future. And i’m determined to do it right. 

Still glad you’re my friend it feels really surreal. Okay. 

Love ya’lll. Goodnight.\

xx

today was duh great day with duh you. 

i shall write it down.

We met at hmm rougly 1.25+, i saw this year 1 boy i used to have a crush on. ahhaahha the tickets cost $6.50 and we sat at uh. I-7 AND I-8 in cinema 1. We watched snow white & the huntsman. it isnt that nice. like the ending is like what. their war lasted like 4 minutes… there was scary parts but hahaha you were there when i was like under my jacket so thank you. You’re probably one of the sweetest guys i know. So ya. Had fun with you in the movie. After that went to wheelock’s marks and spencer’s to find the food part then we realised we wanted to eat sticky bunzzz so ended up going to serene centre by taking 171 from far east. We bought our buns and went to island creamery because you wanted ot eat nutella ice cream gahahahaah. At island creamery talked about a lot of personal stuff. And showed me some letter she wrote to you at the start of this year. You guys are so cute together, i need to learn how to let go. Even though i think if you love someone you should hold on as tight as possible and fight for them but no. I don’t want to come between you two and ruin the great love you have for each other. You hugged me at the bus stop when i was leaving- i struggled to get free. If i did hug you, i feel like im a cheater. (since youre together with her). Though i would really want a bear hug from you. 

Okay. today was great. thanks for buying popcorn and drinks for me :)

5 hours. 

We talked; We cried; We laughed.

I feared we would have nothing to talk about but then i realised at like 5am, even when youre on the phone and there’s silence. Its nice. Because you know there’s someone on the other side listening to you just breathe. And that comforts me- it makes me feel like someone is there for me. That makes the black dark/night a lot less scarier. We had so much to talk about hahahaha we bitched about so many people and talked about personal stuff. i like personal stuff. i feel trustworthy when people tell me their personal stuff. 

i know being friends with you again is gonna break my heart. i know being friends with you means i’ll know how much you love/are in love with her. but 

sometimes things are worth it right? even if its not. i’ll never know. what i do know is im winding up a disaster. its inevitable.